Hold up, everyone. Going to get sappy here. This is written to my boy, who currently has a cold and a half. It all started with a thought that occurred as I was putting him to bed so bear with me.
Little man, you are the biggest challenge. There is nothing about our lives together that does not involve creative thinking or learning a new way of being it seems. Every day there’s a new challenge and every day, we just go about it like this is what normal people do. It’s our normal.
I’m grateful for that.
When parents await their first child or spend years waiting for that first child to come, however which way they do, they make all these plans and have all these visions. When I found out I was having you, I was so scared. I saw how my parents behaved. I saw how unwanted and unloved I had been. I had all these broken pieces of myself, some so jagged they will never not hurt. I had these wayposts of good things and these pieces of solid foundation laid by the good people who came through my life when I needed them.
What I didn’t know was that I needed you.
Well, let’s clarify: Some part of me knew it. It’s how I loved you long before I knew you. But I didn’t fully embrace that part, or didn’t fully understand it. It was just a lizard brained instinct that blossomed into oh so much more once I saw it for the truth it was.
You stormed into my life, full of chaos and cute, and you’ve remained marching to your own rhythm since the first moments of your life. You are the balm on my heart and the mortar that brought together all those pieces so carefully laid by the good people who I’ve known. You took my shattered soul and gave me purpose. All of a sudden, unconditional love made sense. I’d seen it, I’d been awed by it, but I’d never felt deserving of it.
And then there was you.
So on the days where you’re blowing snot all over the house and I am gagging because few things nauseate me more, this is what gets me through. On the days where I am tired, impatient, worn out, burnt out, whatever… This is why it’s only fleeting. I write this silly blog because one day I hope you read it and realize just where we started and where we’ve gone. I hope you will always see what you mean to me and what you’ve done for me.
Thank you for being my little sunshine boy.
And please please please stop snotting soon.
I love you.