There are times where it’s really easy to hurt; to ache and cry without reasons you can neatly explain to others.
March is generally mine.
Maybe I am a little too involved in Roman history but mid-March seems to be an incredibly coincidental time for betrayal and/or pain in my life. From uncovering deep deceits from people I had once trusted to being walked out on as my grandmother lay dying to sitting by Nana’s side as she prepared to say goodbye… It’s not a good month for me.
I really do beware the Ides of March.
It’s hard to explain this pain away, and why it runs so deep and so raw. I don’t think it will never not do so. It’s like a yearly purge, but for some reason the universe likes to drop things on my when I am at my weakest. The physical body is willing, the emotional… Not so much. Not so much at all.
And yet, living life as this apparently terrible person who is believed to deserve so much pain, I was given this… this overwhelming gift. When I least expected him, here stormed J, determined to change everything I knew, believed, or felt. There are so many reasons why I likely never should have had J, from the physical to the emotional to the mental to the well, you name it. I am sure there are people in sight of this post who would give you a laundry list if you so asked. Heck, up until my first ultrasound, I was one of those people.
But then I saw him, teeny tiny him, looking like a circus peanut on the ultrasound screen and wow.
It is cliché to say my life changed in a moment but little else could describe it. It was a whisper in my ear from a voice I missed so badly saying “you can do this”.
There are a lot of ways in which I do not deserve my sweet son. There are a lot of days I would likely tell you I am at the end of my frayed rope and will be listing him on Craigslist*. Yet he’s here, and he’s … stunning. Beautiful in every way a person can be beautiful, a walking glimpse of all who came before and who will come after… A wise young woman would talk about “the good stuff” and holy cow he is every inch what she was talking about! Everything good from the past is right there in him.
And I try to remember that on the bad days. I try to remember it on the good days too but it’s on the days I am the lowest I need it most.