Much of the time, I am doing all I can to be optimistic to the point of obnoxious about J’s situation. We can do this! Keep moving forward! Research, research, research! Schedule therapies! Onward and upward!
Then there’s the days where logic brain takes a trip on the failboat and I am left with emotional brain, all raw feelings and little control over any of them.
Emotional brain and I do not get along too well. It tends to cause me a lot of grief because it spends a lot of time drowning in the depths of sorrow, anxiety and outright fear. It’s not even a nice place to visit, never mind spending any appreciable time there.
Today is an emotional brain kind of day.
Logic brain knows that in the grand scheme, we are so very blessed. Therapies are readily available. Insurance is at hand to cover all that he might need, even if it comes with a little battle. Progress is being made, even if the movement forward feels miniscule some days. We are fed, we are clothed, we have our physical health largely intact and we also even have the ability to meet wants now and then. Things could be so very much worse than where they are for us today. I am grateful for my blessings.
Emotional brain forgets this. It sees a little boy J-bear’s age come into the OT waiting room and answer the person preparing to do their evaluation in clear, articulate sentences that make him sound like a grown person compared to J and drags me down into a well of unending tears. It is raw, cutting and biting. It is a pain you can’t easily escape. You see something that is not as it should be with your child and with every fiber of your being you want the magic band-aid that will make it go away and have all things be as they ought be. You want him to be that boy, forgetting the logical right of things that would quickly point out doing so would deprive you of the child you know and love so well.
You want to pull the covers over your head and make all the hurting stop. You want to wake up tomorrow and have everything be normal.
And that’s emotional brain. It’s a very powerful thing, but it is not always the right thing. It is good to acknowledge it, it is good to let it vent so it doesn’t explode on you (as mine tends to do, usually in the form of random crying fits)… it is good to realize you are not alone. There are millions of moms, dads, brothers, sisters, stepmothers, stepfathers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, teachers, therapists… There are millions of people who fight similar demons. It’s so hard to remember but it is okay to feel everything you need to feel yet to not be so possessed by it you are too paralyzed to act.
Today though, today is all about emotional brain. It is about feeling every inch of the hurt, pain, fear and sorrow. I will examine it, wallow in it, let it be all I see for just today. I will cry, rage, do everything I need to do to feel better and work through all of this mess of emotions that dealing with everything brings up.
Tomorrow, I will be okay. If I am not okay, I will be okay enough to make myself seem okay until I am very much okay again.
I was interrupted in the writing of this post by J-bear bringing his weighted blanket over and throwing it on my lap, a sure sign I better wrap him up in it and give him a good squish or else my laptop would be forfeit. He’s not going to allow me my pity party long, that one.