Kind of adrift, mentally. There’s always things I should be working on. I am getting little things done but major things seem to require more energy than I possess. It’s a mental state thing. Gotta power through.
Little boy is doing alright without the cast. He spent much of yesterday holding his arm in the same position the cast had held it. Today he was more loose with it and used his left hand a lot more, which is good. I am eager to get him writing/coloring again to see if he was truly as left hand dominant as he seemed pre-cast or if he has turned right hand dominant. He has tended to be pretty ambidextrous so far so he could just end up being that way again for a while.
I’m feeling defeated in a lot of ways. I feel like fundraising is turning out like so many other things have in my life: I pour in my heart and soul but, the moment I did that, life threw everything into chaos and made success seemingly impossible. It hurts twice as hard in this case because I am used to losing things/missing out on things but I am not as easily able to handle my son being in that position. I know a lot of this is just my bleak mental place of the now but I have to wonder how much is just harsh reality. I feel like we’re never going to succeed with raising this money and if we do, we’ll never succeed with raising the money to get to Ohio to train and bring home the dog.
I am Sister Suzy Sunshine, aren’t I? My stars.
J starts pre-school next week. I think him starting school will help me in a lot of ways. I’m nauseated thinking about him spending a full day there yet I know that while he’s there, he’ll be getting so much of what he needs and I’ll be allowed to work on a lot of sorely needed things around here. I can clean, plan for the yard sale, contact people more freely, even enjoy a shower without complete fear of what he’s doing while I’m not looking. I can take care of grocery shopping, laundry, all kinds of things that just seem absolutely crushing to sort out the logistics of when it’s the Me and J 24/7 show.
That brings guilt, of course. Am I a terrible parent for being eager for the time apart? I’d like to think I’m just being human and, I know after a short while of it I am going to miss him. I’m already missing the freedom to plan outings for any old day and time, that much I know. September and March are the best months to try to get in to see the museums and such in Boston and now that option is off the table, but we’ll be fine. We’ll figure times to go out and we’ll be alright.
I should wrap this up before I become anymore mopey! Maybe I should put up a feedback form so people can drop subjects/writing prompts into it and kick myself into writing more. Maybe I should just go eat a cookie. Like my surgeon, who I see tomorrow, would be thrilled with that. Hopefully tomorrow she gets to tell me all my axe wounds are fine and I can be left alone til someone has to axe wound me again someday.