J-Bear and Me

learning to navigate the world, j-bear style

Bloating Away

I’m too uncomfortable to sleep so here I am, chatting at the internets.

Life is a lot easier right now, despite post surgical insanity. This morning the horrible heatwave of 2013 ended and it was as though the world heaved a sigh of relief. I said elsewhere that my body has felt like a clenched fist holding broken glass since Monday of last week. Now, finally, it’s as though everything can start to relax even if I feel so full of air everywhere that I might pop or blow away.

Moving about is improving. It’s not great and I am getting back pain like I did post c-section as my back overcompensates for my weakened abdomen but it’s not nearly as bad. It’ll continue to improve. I only take the narcotics I was given at night because while they work alright, I hate them.

Am I the only person in the world who hates narcotics? I refused them for weeks and weeks and only gave in last week after so long of discomfort, pain and just plain not resting. Then, of course, post surgery I really needed the strong stuff. Dilaudid was no freakin’ joke. That stuff knocked me right down but allowed me the ability to get precious sleep. Thank God too, cause I had the worst of roommates.

Another tale for another time, maybe.

J is still struggling with all that is going on. I know he gets more than he might initially let on. I see it in his decision making but he is, after all, a 3 year old boy. He wants to rough and tumble! He wants to crash into me! He wants me to pick him up for cuddles and hugs whenever he wishes it! So this is still an area of sorrow to me. It’s silly, I know. Soon enough I’ll be smothering him with hugs and throwing him around as I used to but so much of his communication in terms of affection, care and just play is physical that when that absense is forced, it leaves a dreadful hole in our interactions. I improvise when I can but overall, patience is going to have to prevail on this count.

I need to regain my momentum with fundraising. I have great ideas for things to do from great people and cannot wait to sit down and explore the options and start putting things into play. Having my strength and health back is absolutely key to this effort and it too is going to demand patience I don’t know if I have. I am a nervous person terrified of failure. I cannot fail at this, not for J, not in a million years. 

So. Soon, I hope, big things will start to come together. Disappointed in some people I’ve reached out to who initially seemed on board but who have since faded out. Life must have gotten in the way but I cannot help but feel a little sad for it. 

I just have to have faith, right?

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It might be the vicodin but I cannot find the spellcheck on WordPress right now so forgive me if this entry reads in gibberish. I’ll fix it in the morning.

2 Comments

  1. anne rossetti (mary's sister)

    July 22, 2013 at 8:25 am

    I’m so sorry to hear you’re experiencing so much pain! But, I have heard that abdominal surgery is the worst, so if you need painkillers, take them – you need to get some rest. I think sleep is the way the body heals itself, and you cannot sleep if in constant pain. Narcotic pain-killers serve a very good purpose. Anything (even life-saving antibiotics) can be harmful when over or mis-used, but are very valuable when used correctly – and you need to get some relief and some sleep. Physical pain can be debilitating and canbe a barrier to healing!

    As far as friends waning in their support – that struck a cord with me because there is a blog on the Young Survivors website tha starts with “when the treatments end, and hair grows back, that is when the isolation begins. Everyone thinks its over and wants to go back to normal, but, for us, it will never be normal, and the isolation of people not getting that is horrible” I think its human nature of jump on the bandwagon at the beginning of a campaign, cause, illness,, then, their own life concerns take over, and they seem to forget. Its like they say, “well, I’m glad I helped, but that’s over now, and I am on to something else” For most of those in whom you are disappointed, they can’t understand how important this is to you (no one can truly understand anyone else’s situation, desires, pain, etc). For most (and you know who they are) this is not a “rejection”, but basic human nature. I am so happy to see that you have connected with other families who are on the same quest – they are the only people who can “get it” on a real basis.

    Maybe the PTA of J’s new school might be able to offer some support in terms of a fund raiser, etc. Maybe you could get someone who has a service dog for any purpose to come to a meeting with the dog and explain how the dog changed his/her life – having an actual dog there is a good visual. I wish you the best of luck. Feel better!
    XXXOOO

    • Abdominal surgery stinks! I’ve had it twice now and oh my god it’s so overrated. Anyone tries to come near my guts with a knife again I better be three steps from God’s doorstep cause man… Yuck. LOL

      So, so, so very much family – blood, chosen and extended – has truly been wonderful through the fundraising journey so far. They really have. I am asking for people to open their wallets or give time and I can’t be expecting everyone to do so yet somehow, it’s shocking to me sometimes who does and does not get involved. Nothing overwhelming, just that pause to really consider relationships and understandings. You would love the 4 Paws families… They’re hilarious, sweet, diverse, well versed in their subject area expertise and just great to reach out to. The families on the side of my blog are at the same place in fundraising or just ahead of where we are, so maybe our kids will go to training together. Wouldn’t that be fun?

      Thank you so much for all your support, Anne! I will add that to my list for when I am well. My phone is going to have miles on it for all the best of reasons!

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