J-Bear and Me

learning to navigate the world, j-bear style

I am the kind of person who feels

I am the kind of person who feels very discouraged easily.

Now, if I am working towards something for someone else, I am all about the positive outlook. I can find the bright side of anything and until I am thrown up against a brick wall repeatedly, I keep going towards the declared goal. I am too scared to fail; too scared to not see it through because that is what I was asked to do/what I was hired to do. If the methods are legal and not against my own beliefs… Yep. I’m the one doggedly plugging away at it.

If you give me something that’s for myself, that would improve my own life or something like that, I’ll give up at the slightest resistance. I am used to not being allowed things that are nice, or for being shown things that are nice and good just to have them ripped from me in a heartless and vindictive manner. 

This isn’t drama. Let’s just say the people I should have been able to trust along with people I thought I could trust should not have been trusted, alas. It happens.

This is where I am left. Today, an opportunity was thrown out there that I cannot elaborate on because it’s not something that might ever pan out. However, after the initial surge of “THIS COULD BE AMAZING!”… I saw the response of others and immediately sank to a deep, dark place.

They deserve it more.

They are more worthy.

They’re better at this than I am.

I have no chance at this.

I should just give up already.

And it sucks because this isn’t for me, I should be all gangbusters because this is for my son but those violent, tearing, heart splitting feelings all just burst in like unwanted visitors taking over my brainspace and being as obnoxious as drunken Sox fans in the middle of a losing streak. My brain, so good with logic on most occasions, is just emotionally seeing that ‘good things don’t happen to me’ and that leavings are all I’ll ever have so I better just make do.

I want that to go away, like most people would I suspect, but today I’m just struggling. J has had a Day too, lots of tantrums and crying but that’s more related to being up way too early (thanks Mister Sunshine! Black Out curtains arrive next week!) and being a crank-o-potamus than anything else. 

Tomorrow will, I hope, be better but today I feel unworthy. Today I feel like good things are for other people, and that’s a sad place to keep being brought back to.

2 Comments

  1. anne rossetti (mary's sister)

    May 23, 2013 at 7:30 am

    wow – I woke up with a day of “if only’s” and “what ifs”, actually, I woke up at 2 am and wished I could smash my head to stop the images that wouldn’t go away. Then I read your post, and I determined to do something positive today for your sake. I know nothing I can or will do can actually help you; but please keep in mind that there is a woman in New Jersey who believes that you are an amazing, and very worthy young woman, and will try somehow to send positive energy to you in Massachusetts.

    • good morning anne! I play the what if and if only game a lot, usually at that same hour. And you know what? Just typing what you typed DID help me, so thank you. For thinking of me and Jacob, for helping us work towards his dog, and for just being you. 🙂

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