I am the jumpy sort that second guesses everything I believe or do again and again. I overthink everything around me and generally wallow in the “wonder” that is hypervigilance most every moment of every day.
This should come as no shock to anyone who has to deal with me in certain capacities. I will overthink my actions, my son’s actions, behaviors, every little thing. Other things I don’t seem to think at all about and there’s never a wise balance between the two.
Anyway, this week we were visited by one of the most amazing people we’ve met since this journey started. She dropped by, in her free time, to check in on J and to discuss some troubles he’s been having. Her analysis was spot on I feel in a lot of ways and she cut through a lot of my worrying and overthinking efficiently and compassionately. She never diminished my concerns at all, or my struggles but instead took them in and responded to them with compassion and clarity – two things I sorely needed.
But with all the things we struggle with, we still have moments of pure wonder. Today, my son did something that I’ve never seen him do. I asked him to make his teddy bear dance… And he did. I asked him to make his teddy bear stand on his head… and he did. I asked him if his teddy bear could turn around… and he helped teddy turn around.
Now a lot of people would find me daft to learn this made me cry, but this combined with everything else just shines such a light on how hard he’s been working and how very, very much he has been absorbing and learning and taking to heart. His language skills have taken off, especially his receptive language though his expressive skills are getting there too. I have conversations with my son. I don’t care if no one else follows or gets them, we do and every day more people are understanding him too. He greets strangers, he engages people and tries in his own way to draw them into his world, even if that sometimes means he pushes them in an attempt to lure them into a game of chase.
I am just overwhelmed, and yet I second guess every change because that is just what I do. However, when he turns around after a week of rough times and shows that not for a moment did he ever close off learning and growing. He’s working so hard and I cannot fully grasp the effort he’s putting into every day life on top of schooling. This of course isn’t an excuse for bad behavior, but it’s an explanation for the times it comes when he is just spent. Now to find the balance between helping him understand appropriate ways to express being overwhelmed or tired and disciplining when he is just acting out to act out.
And to not second guessing my intuition and understanding on which is which. That might be the hardest lesson of all.