learning to navigate the world, j-bear style

Tag: mama babbles

The Fallout

There is a subject I skirt. Sure, if you talk to me regularly you’ve likely heard me mention it, but I surely haven’t brought it up at any length publicly yet.

The fallout of Brooklyn’s being taken from us for J has been stated. He has suffered regression, a major surge of anxiety into his life and a general feeling of instability that leaves him clingy and uncertain. He works, every day, to regain ground that he lost but there are a lot of things that just are completely wrecked for him at the moment. We can’t ignore that, we can’t escape that and we work to rectify that. What others stole we will restore, I have deep faith in that.

Meanwhile, I ignore the destruction wrought on myself.

Every day I beat myself up for getting on that plane in June and bringing Brooklyn back to Ohio. I had misgivings when I dropped her off, but I trusted. Should I have trusted? I do not feel I should have no, though I feel the person I trusted possibly was as mentally knocked about in this situation as I have been if not more so. I shook as I stood there in the facility letting her go and detailing her very specific care to the staff. Everything felt wrong, and every day I have to face the regret that came with not listening to my gut and misplacing my trust instead.

let my son get hurt. I know, logic screams that is not the case, but my brain doesn’t always function well with logic. The wound was made. It’s going to be a very, very long time to heal. I feel hurt, broken, unworthy. I feel like a failure, a person who breaks promises, a person whose earnest nature was taken advantage of and whose words were manipulated for the gain of others. I feel used, abused and tossed aside. I feel lied to and cheated.

I feel like I have an open sore that will never heal over.

Everyday I fight crippling anxiety and depression lately. I don’t want to function. Frankly, I want to stay in my bed and hide from everything. It hurts to go out in the world. It hurts to do bare basic necessities. The only reason I put one foot in front of the other is J. He’s brave enough to keep going and keep shining and I cannot completely fail him again.

Our visit to APAW for our interview with them was a light in the darkness. I am very upfront with my own disability and they know it is there. They understand psychiatric disabilities. They will not put me in a position to use my illness against myself. This I can see by what they have done.

Every day I still hurt though. Every day things still feel wrong. Every day people still sit back and blame me for their choices and actions, like my family actually did something wrong.

I know we gave Brooklyn the finest care and the utmost love.

I know she had a happy, safe and adoring home with us.

I know we followed the rules to a T because my mental illness would accept little else.

Still, every day I have to live with the doubt that was planted. And I will never get resolution. A death? The story is ended. There is no ending here, there is just an open and gaping void with no rhyme or reason. Nothing ever had to be this way and somehow, we will move forward thanks to great people and a great community who actually believe in us.

Remember, if it seems too good to be true it nearly always is.

The (in)Famous J-Bear

So here I am. Still tired, still struggling with some things but I am here. And I couldn’t resist sharing this story.

Today as I walked J in to school we met up with a boy who was maybe in the 5th grade or so. Nice kid, very polite and friendly and J seemed confused by seeing him outside. I just chalked it up to him not being used to seeing many other children outside when we’re heading in as the majority of the school starts their day before the preschoolers do.

We walked onwards to J’s classroom and a little way ahead of us, this older boy stopped and turned back. He told me that he works with J sometimes and that he’s a very great boy, always working very hard and he loves working with him.

Well, cue my jaw hitting the floor.

I thanked the boy, as did J, and the boy went off to class.

Now, of course I think my son is the sweetest most awesome kid to ever kid. I’m his mother. And I know he is generally well liked by others too. It just never ceases to astonish me the relationships he forges with others despite having poor expressive language skills. He figures out ways to make it work, like it’s no big deal, and that will always kind of blow me away. Most grown adults, if placed in his shoes, would fall apart without the ability to easily express themselves in an expected manner. I don’t know if it’s the wiring of his brain, the way he’s adapted, or just the fact he’s always been this way that makes it so easy for him but it just seems like that: easy.

His teacher said it best though: He’s known for being a sweetheart and is well liked. He is not actually by any means infamous except within his own home. Part of that makes me quite sad, because it reminds me that there’s other children who are seen as “infamous” because they are not easy to relate to. It is sad because there is probably such a beautiful mind within that child, eager to be shared, and yet their outward struggles make most people not want to bother. J has a lot of future ahead of him. There will be people to whom is he one of those who struggles; who is not “easy enough” to know. This will hurt him at some point I’d imagine but I hope he always has that strong core of people there holding him up and reminding him about how much good he has to share to lessen the blow.

Meanwhile, I hope he gravitates towards some of the children others overlook. Sometimes, J is smarter than the rest of us. He notices awesome we frequently miss, and he would not miss them.

This went way more rambly than planned. I think that could be said about this whole blog!


Fundraising update to come shortly. We’re not done yet, but we have an auction going on that sports fans might be interested in, particularly Red Sox fans. Stay tuned.

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