I had another post started and ended up crying too hard to finish it. Why? Cause I’m a sap, that’s why. I cry very easily. It’s embarrassing.
This time it was about the story of a mother and daughter. The daughter has autism. The mother, for reasons known truly only to her but speculated at by those who have both been there and not been there, attempted to end her own life as well as that of her young daughter. There are not words for the horror and fear this sparks within me.
So after I read the story this morning, I sat watching J. His word of the day is again “no”, so every question you ask is answered with that. No one could make “no” sound sweeter than J. His little voice is just a beautiful thing to me. We fought over the idea of sneakers. We fought over wearing a sweatshirt. We fought over leaving his stuffed cat home. It was a struggle and a half this morning until the moment he arrived at his classroom…
I would change none of it.
I am so scared that a day might come when my little boy is a very big boy and he cannot manage how he expresses himself. I am so scared of the idea that one day I might be scared of my beautiful son. Part of me wants to keep him my sweet, loving little bitty (well, not so little bitty) guy forever. I know his nature. I know he is sweet right down to the very soul of himself. He is empathetic, he is loving, he is naturally observant and kind. He has limits, though. When his system is overwhelmed, I do not know what may happen years down the road.
So today, I am thankful for the little boy I now have and the chance to just love him. I hope that as he grows older, supports are always there to help manage raising him and helping him. I also hope that my friends out there who find themselves being primary caretakers also know that hey, we’re all in this together. Let’s not let any one of us sink. If you find your mind wandering off into dark, scary places… Well, I may be crap at phone calls but call or send messages. Raise the red flag and I’ll be amongst those who rally to you to help you get through it.
Our kids deserve it and so do we.