learning to navigate the world, j-bear style

Future Tense

My heart is still so heavy about a man I never met. Maybe I am just so sad because the turmoil seems so very familiar and thus, so very painful. Maybe I am sad because, looking back at his body of work, he was one of those faces that has always been in the world since I was a child. It’s hard to say, but the sad remains.


I am in this weird state, and it is generally surrounding J’s dog. We under 80 days until we meet his dog and it feels so much like when I was waiting for J to be born but with markedly less discomfort and cravings for strange things. All of the fear, anxiety, anticipation, excitement and eagerness collide on a regular basis but thankfully for now in a low-key manner. I want to know his dog. I know 4 Paws will pick his right dog. I cannot wait to see J with this dog, and see the life changing things his friend Z is going through right now.

Then there is the panic. The “oh my God I have this, this, this, this and oh my god this that needs to be done!” and the panic over fundraising to help us along in paying for our long stay out there… My stars. I don’t know if this is just part of my own general weirdness or not but when there is a lot to do, I can get paralyzed real quick. I am trying to work it down into bite sized pieces but the pieces are all sort of on hold. It’s hard to do a lot of the heavy work while J is out of school, and he does not go back til September.

See, that is the other part in all this. J is out of school for several weeks now. Children like J thrive on routine. That is when he learns and grows the best and is happy. He does not have it in the sense he needs it right now. We had a down day today, for example, and while he did mostly fine he lost it right around bedtime. Bedtime is the same time every day, mind you, but without the busy busy busy day leading up to bedtime, bedtime gets downright insane.

How do I add a dog to our crazy? Will the dog really help our crazy? I ask myself so many questions, but following the tales of other families I am slowly having more faith that the dog will do exactly what we need them to do. They will fit our lives just fine, and they will enrich our lives.

J is still talking about Nonie Dog. He is so giddy about the Nonie Dog in his mind, but I still do not think it will truly matter what dog we get. Any dog will be loved, and he loves animals regardless. I think it is just such a fun name for him to say, and he truly does enjoy her sweet face, so the association is happy and positive and will I pray make this addition to our lives easier.

Could I be any more all over the map? Welcome to my brain, internet.

In closing, here’s our countdown counter – It’s also on the right side of the main blog page:



  1. Anne rossetti

    I can tell you without a doubt that a dog will enrich your life. I work with an organization that places service dos to veterans with traumatic brain injury, and the results have been miraculous. I think I share some of the same brain traits with you “nothing will work out’ — but as you said so beautifully “my brain is my
    worst enemy”. Try to calm your thoughts (easier said that done)

    • Nicole

      Thank you Anne 🙂 I think a huge part of my problem is being used to things -not- working out. I am used to getting all prepared and ready and excited just to have the rug pulled out from under me. I think as things get more concrete and real, my sense of caution is keeping me on edge.

      There’s going to be a dog for us no matter what. I can’t wait til they get home! Pet dogs got me through my childhood, I cannot wait to see what a service dog does for Jacob.

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